In my heart I want to be a good wife. Scratch that. I want to be an extraordinary wife. The reality is that most days I feel as though I’m failing.

I use the Proverbs 31 wife as an example of how I want my life to be, and although I know it’s only something I should strive for, so many days I wonder how I will ever measure up. How will my child rise up and call me blessed and my husband praise me when sometimes I don’t feel like rising at all?

If we’re being honest, some days I don’t want to be bothered. I don’t want to think of anyone’s needs but my own. I want to watch what I want on television without commentary and know that the food I have been thinking about all day is still going to be in the refrigerator or the cabinet when I get there. I want to spend money without feeling guilty that it’s going to adversely affect my household. I want to come home to a clean house, folded laundry and a hot meal waiting for me after a long day at work.

On those days, I have to remember that I prayed for my husband. I spent hours praying for him before I even met him. I prayed that I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life lonely and bitter. I prayed that I would be a good wife and that we would have a great marriage.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that the secret to being a good wife is first and foremost prayer. I prayed to get a husband, and I have to keep on praying to keep him. I also have to realize that It’s not about “I.” It’s about “we.” In order to be a good wife, I have to be selfless. Our marriage can’t always be about my wants and my needs—or his. I have to put my husband first. I have to listen sometimes when all I want to do is veg out in front of the television, and when he gets on my last nerve, I have to forego saying things I know aren’t for the greater good of our marriage. I have to build my husband up and not tear him down.

On a good day, even the best of marriages are hard work. Marriage is a ministry, and it’s not for the faint or for those who want to give up at any little sign of trouble. You have to be fully committed 100% and give, even when you don’t feel like it. Just so we’re clear, I’m talking about marriages where both partners are fully invested and who have a heartfelt desire to make the marriage all that it can be.

I’ve come to realize there is not going to be some magical day where I realize I have arrived—that I’m finally the extraordinary wife I have always dreamed of being. Every day is a new journey that offers new things that I must embrace. I can’t focus on what my husband is or isn’t doing. I have to focus on me and make sure I’m doing all God has required me to do. If I trust in him, I cannot fail.